The Dialed-In Dad Checklist

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).

And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

Dad, Lead Your Daughter to LAUGH

I can’t believe that this week marks the first birthday of my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters…Whoo hoo!

As a fun way to celebrate this milestone, I want to highlight the first section of the book that starts with an important aspect of father leadership, and one that I believe we can all benefit from right now: MORE LAUGHTER!

Did you know that neuroscientists confirm the importance of laughing together, claiming that our brains release chemicals when we laugh in ways that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding? Isn’t that amazing that God wired our brains to automatically release oxytocin to offset the stress hormone of cortisol simply by activating some merriment!

Listen to what authors Berezin and Liss had to say in their recent article, The Neuroscience of Laughter, and How to Inspire More of It at Work:

“Laughing swaps the cortisol in our bloodstream with highly sought after chemicals in the brain: dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Dopamine can enhance learning, motivation, and attention. And when Oxytocin, the “bonding chemical,” enters the bloodstream it creates feelings of relatedness while endorphins trigger feelings of pleasure by improving immune functioning, stress relief, improved cardiovascular health, reduced anxiety, sense of safety, and improved mood.”

How’s that for an incredible list of positive relational and health impacts as a result of connecting to humor with a bit of glee!

And if, by chance, you’re currently experiencing relational challenges with your daughter, rest assured that finding ways to express joy and activate shared laughter can help to soften any tension between you.So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

So if laughter really is the best medicine, then every father would benefit from increasing his skill set in activating it, wouldn’t you say?

Here are some practical, light-hearted, fun, and funny questions to ask your daughter to not only lighten and brighten her day…but yours too!

Dad, ask your daughter:

1. What about me makes you laugh?

2. What item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of

3. Do you ever think about your wedding day? If so, what do you imagine? If not, why not?

4. What are three outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do?

5. If you could be any animal, which one would you say is most like you and why?

These questions are in Let’s Talk, and as a gift to you today for reading and sharing my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs, here’s a link to my e-book, which are the first three chapters: Let's Talk eBook.

Or you can buy the full version here on Amazon.

Enjoy…and happy laughing!

What Daughters Need to Hear From Their Dads (Guest Blog by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Shaunti Feldhahn is a dear friend of mine and it’s an honor to have her joining us again today. Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author. Her books, including For Women Only, For Parents Only, and The Kindness Challenge have sold more than 3 million copies around the world. The Feldhahns live in Atlanta with their two kids and two cats who think they are dogs.
~ Michelle

Dads—you’ve been there for first words, first steps, first stumbles. You’ve been there to mend the skinned knees and give out hugs. You’ve attended the ballet recitals, softball tournaments, and gone on late-night ice cream runs. You’ve helped study for exams, dried tears from first break-ups… you’ve been there.

And we know how much you love your precious daughter. But there’s something you might not know: just how much your daughter needs to hear it! In the research with teens and preteens for For Parents Only, I found that these several key phrases have a lot more impact on the heart of a girl than you might think. And as you’ll see, they are especially powerful and important when coming from a father.

Here are four crucial things daughters need to hear from their dads:

#1: “I Love You, Sweetheart.” 

Until she is married, you are the main guy in your daughter’s life. This gives you a special responsibility: countering the little voice inside the head of most girls (95%) and women (80%) that secretly wonders “Am I lovable?” Where you as a man probably have a little voice that asks “Do I measure up?” you might be shocked by how much your daughter doubts whether she is worth being loved and accepted by those around her. And feeling loved by a man is one of the main ways girls tend to look for an answer to that question. So as you hug her, affirm her and tell her just how loved and lovable she is! It is far less likely she’ll feel the need to go looking for love in all the wrong places.

#2: “You’re Beautiful.” 

Just as girls doubt that they are lovable, they really doubt that they are lovely. We women can be really hard on ourselves. We see all our flaws. And every magazine rack your daughter passes screams at her that how she looks is not enough. Your daughter needs to see evidence that she is beautiful, and the most healthy, human evidence of that at this time in her life is getting that verbal affirmation from you. When she comes in dressed for school, tell her she looks great. If you need to ask her to adjust her attire, make sure she knows you think she is beautiful regardless. Even consider taking her shopping every now and then. She will love seeing you light up when she presents herself in a way that lights her up.

#3: “I’m So Proud Of You.”

You like to hear this phrase. Your daughter does, too. The years daughters are living at home involve lots of hard work, growing, and trying to find their way. We found in the research that all our kids (girls and boys) don’t have a clear roadmap for who they are and how they should handle life, school, relationships and everything else. They often feel like they are flailing around trying to figure it out. And there is an immense relief when a parent says they are proud of them (“Whew, I did something right!”). This is vital from any parent figure but it is very clear from our interviews and surveys that God has given it a special weight of authority when coming from a father. Don’t skimp on this phrase!

#4: “I’m Always Here For You—Even When You Make Mistakes.”

You may not always have to say this out loud (although you should do that too!) but you do need to show it. As noted, our boys and girls won’t always do it right. They will mess up, not work hard enough, make wrong choices, and suffer the consequences. And they need to know that you are there with them through those consequences. This is key for girls and boys, but for a girl, when a father is angry or disappointed and seems to withdraw, she emotionally translates that as if he’s saying, “I don’t love you right now.” That is not at all what you’re saying but that is what she’s hearing. So when she drives recklessly, despite all your efforts to teach safe driving, let her suffer the consequences of having to go to court—but show her that you will stand beside her throughout it and that you are there for her no matter what.

We all know there’s nothing like the bond between fathers and daughters. And knowing the words that truly reach your daughter’s heart (and using them often) is a gift you can give that will last a lifetime.

This article was also published at Patheos.

The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

I literally cannot believe I’m celebrating one whole year of marriage this week. Time sure flies!

So as a way to let you hear Ken’s heart, I’ve invited him to write a guest blog focused on his ground-breaking book,
“The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need.”
This is the first of twelve books he’s written and many would say this is their favorite,
which is underscored by the fact that it’s been translated into ten languages!

I’m excited for you to learn some fathering secrets from my husband (I’m still getting used to that word, “husband!”) since he’s the founder of the National Center for Fathering and is deeply invested in the lives of dads.

This overview will give you evidence-based practices that you can immediately put into action as you pursue the hearts of your daughters and sons. Go Dad!
~ Michelle

For the past three decades I’ve spent countless hours listening to and surveying over ten thousand voices from fathers across America. Their responses, answers, comments, and experiences have set the foundation for what I’m sharing with you today. As a researcher, I’ve collected data, run statistical analyses, read diverse scientific journals, and interacted with professionals who are working with fathers. And yes, I’ve raised five children of my own as well.

Yet in listening to a number of men who are considered by professionals and their peers to be effective fathers, I’ve discovered that they are dads just like you and me, but have taken their fathering role strongly to heart and have excelled in it. They are master craftsmen. I’ve listened to these men because I want their wisdom and insights on how I, too, can become an effective father.

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

There are certain things that effective fathers do differently from all other dads. In fact, there are at least seven things. I call them the seven secrets of effective fathers, and if we learn them, we, too, can become better fathers.

That said, here are the seven secrets of effective fathers gleaned from the insights of respected journeymen:

1. Commitment
You may have turned your heart toward your children, but are you communicating that? Do your children know without a doubt that, in your heart, they stand head and shoulders above almost everything else? Verbalize your commitment to your kids, let them know you are accessible, and look for occasions (even create them) where you can simply have fun with your kids!

2. Knowing your child
What separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they are also aware of who their children are as individuals. They know each child’s distinct personality traits, talents, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Our research revealed that effective fathers know when his child has a difficult day or is upset, the names of his/her best friends, what encourages and motivates his child the most, when he’s hurt his child’s feelings, when his child was embarrassed, and most of his child’s recent disappointments.

3. Consistency
Our research shows that an effective father is consistent in his moods, his presence in the family, his keeping of promises, his morality and ethics, his daily schedule, and his hobbies and interests. Of these categories, becoming consistent in your moods may prove to be the biggest struggle. But it is a struggle in which you can find victory. Many times, men who are inconsistent in their emotions are that way because they had fathers who were inconsistent. But we can make what I call regular and wise “midcourse corrections” to avert many life crises by a choice of our will. And just like a captain to his crew, the committed father turns to his family to bring them safely to port by saying, “Because I love you and want to guide you safely, I’m going to make the effect to draw a new map.”

4. Protection/provision
Our children need us to not only know their needs and work to meet those needs, but also to see us protect and provide for them. While some protective issues may be less visible than in days when we circled the wagons, there are still plenty of occasions where a father must rise up and protect those he loves, particularly in a crisis. A father’s positive response in the face of crisis is crucial, and though he might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to determine the outcome when the crisis does occur.

5. Loving their mother
I have struggled to understand this secret. It seems to leave little room for variance. What about fathers whose wives have left them? How can these men apply this secret after they have experienced marital disruption? This secret creates a great difficulty for those men who sincerely love their children and want to be effective dads, but who have a hard time loving their children’s mother. The question is: Do you love your kids? Then one of the best things you can do for them is to love their mother--or at least maintain a civil relationship with her while committing to never undercut or disgrace her in front of them. The main benefit to your children is an atmosphere of security. And if you’re married: date your mate, model teamwork, show affection in front of your kids, or take your kids with you when you shop for a gift for your wife.

6. Active listening
Effective fathers have learned the discipline of giving their full attention to their children when they are speaking. They allow their children to disagree without becoming angry, and commit to creating an atmosphere of caring and acceptance that encourages them to share their ideas. Because the goal of listening is to gain an understanding of how our child perceives the situation, we will need to expand our skill set in learning to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to grasp what our children are thinking and feeling.

7. Spiritual equipping
Actually, it’s understandable that many fathers feel inadequate when it comes to spiritual matters. We’re surrounded by many other people who seem so much better equipped than we are to foster our children’s growth. But don’t tell me that spiritual equipping doesn’t matter to your kids. They’re listening to what you say about God, and they take great comfort in your consistent, heartfelt expressions of faith in the Almighty. Effective fathers understand the spiritual aspects of their children’s lives, and they work to help their children discover their own relationship with God.

These seven secrets will stand you in good stead, but there is actually one thing you still lack. I need to tell you about the eighth secret.

With fathering, you can do your part by applying the seven secrets of effective fathers and it is likely you will reap a crop of well-equipped children who live their lives wonderfully, though there is no guarantee that this will happen.

This is why there is an eighth secret. And it is a mystery. In fact, this secret may be the most profound of them all.

Within each father there is a secret that he longs to express with his kids. It is each mans’ individual expression of his fathering.

Yes, fathering is a daunting and complex task, but only you can father your children. You are the only one in possession of that secret that God wants implanted in the lives of your children through you.

Effective fathers rise to the challenge, confident that the Heavenly Father will make up for their weaknesses and bless even their most uncertain efforts.

Seven secrets. Seven tasks. Seven wonders of the world. Yet if you’ve had the privilege of being present for the birth of your child, you instantly know that the grandeur of the Great Pyramids of Egypt or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon pale in comparison.

When your baby is born and you see his or her first breath, then you know you’ve seen the eight wonder of the world.

Eight wonders. Eight secrets.

A God of grace.

9 Ways to Start a Conversation About Romance with Your Daughter on Valentine's Day

Do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid?

For me it was all about reading the fun messages on those little conversation hearts and eating the whole box in one sitting while figuring out whether to give my favorite Valentine to Steve Dobson or Dave O’Gieblyn.

I remember the class parties we’d have at the end of the school day every February 14th when everyone would finally open up their individually decorated boxes that held the Valentines our classmates had been putting there during the week. I can recall trying to be coy, but secretly hoping that those two boys in particular would give me an extra special Valentine that just might hold some clue as to whether they liked me back.

Yes, in sixth grade, that was as deep as this holiday got for me!

Funny as that is, I’m reflecting now on the fact that even as a pre-teen I was already tuned in to the way that Valentine’s Day had a mysterious, intriguing tone when it came to romance (even if I wasn’t fully aware of it back then!).

Before continuing, I want to assert that not all girls and women are into the romance thing. Some love it and some don’t. Yet in my experience, I would say that the strong majority of females are positively responsive when it comes to the idea of being pursued and romanced.

Let me say it another way as it relates to your daughter: She wants to be treasured by someone, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of the year.

So, if this is the longing of her heart, you as her dad have the perfect opportunity this week to let her know that she’s the joy of your life, just like you felt when she was born [even if she’s in a season where she’s more reactive and less responsive].

In light of all this, Dad, here’s your challenge: Use this weekend to spend extra time with your daughter where you invite her to share her thoughts, feelings, longings, and opinions about romance…with you.

And if this kind of conversation isn’t “her thing,” that’s okay. I’ve talked with many dads who have still had lively discussions with their daughters on this topic, even when their girls responded negatively to the way our culture is positioned around this theme.

The important thing is to open up a conversation with your daughter while she gives voice to what’s inside her.

And to set you up for success, here are some questions you can ask her to lead the conversation about romance:

Dad, if you want to download a pdf of of these questions, click here

1. What do you remember it being like as a little girl when you’d see romance in books or movies? What did you like or not like in those stories?

2. It seems that a lot of Disney [or other] movies emphasize romance. As you look back, what are your thoughts about how romance was portrayed?

3. Now that you’re older, do you ever think about lessons you were taught about romance from your favorite books or movies? What were some of those lessons, especially regarding what it takes to be chosen and romanced?

4. What messages about being a girl/woman did you get from books or movies then…or now? Was there ever a message that being beautiful tied to being romanced?

5. Whether it was in fantasy (through books/movies) or real life, what have you seen or learned about the girls/women who don’t get chosen?

6. How do you see yourself when it comes to being romanced? Do you feel positively or negatively about it?

7. If you’re okay sharing it, what are your hopes, dreams, and thoughts about what you want romance to be like for you? Be as honest as you can, even if your wishes seem out of the realm of possibility.

8. Have you ever been romanced in the way you’ve envisioned or hoped it would be? What has meant the most to your heart to make you feel valued and important?

9. If I were to fill up your love tank by making you feel more loved and special, what could I do specifically to make you feel those things now? (Dad, be willing to press in here while encouraging her to be honest so you learn at least one or two specific ways to pursue her heart.)

For extra Dad points: Bring her a box of conversation hearts and tell her that you’re enjoying this conversation about her heart!

So that’s how you can make a forever love deposit into her heart. She talks and you listen.

To Valentine’s Day and beyond!

For a list of more questions to invite your daughter to open up with you, check out my newest book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters https://amzn.to/3fDAhZd

Just Ask the Butterfly

CONGRATULATIONS…You made it through 2020!

And now here we are at the start of this new year, and we're all collectively breathing a sigh of relief because we’ve lived through a year that threw us curve ball after curve ball. Whether it was working from home or doing school remotely while parents stepped in as insta-teachers or our changed plans due to Covid-19 (which I know personally after planning and then re-planning my June wedding), all the way to riots and election crazies.

To sum it up, we’ve all been forced to adjust, flex, adapt, and change. Then we had repeated rounds of being required to adjust, flex, adapt, and change.

In psychology, we use the term “window of tolerance” to describe that optimum zone where we’re at peak performance with just enough manageable stress to energize our performance without pushing us to max capacity where we crash and burn. In 2020, we all clearly were pushed to EXPAND our window of tolerance beyond what we thought we could tolerate.

But as we look back and reflect, I believe we will suffer a great loss if we focus primarily on the fact that we SURVIVED a difficult year rather than looking at specific ways that we THRIVED through it. Perhaps we even grew because of it.

This prompts me to ask you, Dad, these questions:

1. Do you recognize the ways that you have grown this past year? The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth and for your growing relationship with her.

2. Are you ready to lead your daughter to reflect on this past year to see where she’s grown or are you more apt toward wanting to forget what lies behind while reaching forward to what lies ahead?

The reality is that your growth is the foundation for your daughter’s growth, and your growing relationship with her.

Just ask the butterfly.

The struggle isn’t the bad part if we choose to look through a lens that sees greater horizons ahead that are only possible due to our larger wingspan. And that larger wingspan has only come because we endured through the process of change.

As a father, I know that you don’t want to see your daughter [or any other women who are daughters] suffer. That stance is reasonable and it shows your deep love for her. Of course your heart hurts when hers is hurting. Yet there is real truth to these words by the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.”

Stated another way, here’s how one man described the growth process: “Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:3-5)

So let’s talk about action steps that you can take as a father to lead your daughter to see where she’s grown in 2020.

I suggest that you take her on a date where you open up a reflective conversation. Share your thoughts on what 2020 has been like for you too so that both of you can grow together.

Here’s how you can help her consider specific ways that her wingspan has increased and strengthened this year by asking her:

1. What was the hardest/worst part of 2020?

2. What was the best part of the past year?

3. What was the biggest surprise (good or bad) that you experienced?

4. Is there anything that you thought would be bad, but ended up being good or not as bad as you thought it would be? (ex: altered school activities or school/work schedule, changed plans, different dynamics with friends, etc.)

5. What is one area where you’ve seen yourself grow the most in the last year?

Then end by saying to her:

“Here’s where I’ve seen you and I each grow from being stretched farther than we thought we could be stretched this year….[give specifics]

I’m so proud of you for persevering and not giving up even when it was hard.

As I look at you, I see an incredible butterfly who has broken through the cocoon and now you’re ready to fly higher with more grace than ever before.”

Recognizing your growth in 2020 is the best preparation for the flight to come in 2021!

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

TRUTH OR DARE: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter…But Should

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged. \

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something BIGGER and HARDER than they could ever imagine doing. 

Case in point: I watched a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp while paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. When asked why they did it, their collective responses were always the same: “to prove that we could.”

I had a question come to mind as I witnessed willing and able-bodied men go the distance physically despite harsh conditions that sapped them of their last ounce of energy: Are these guys equally responsive to opportunities to prove they can push past their limits with something potentially more important, that of enthusiastically pursuing and engaging their daughter’s hearts on a daily basis? 

I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan, especially when she’s confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating. 

So right here, right now, I’m counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth:

Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare:

Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly while you invest in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get angry or be hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing. If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then after reading it, make sure that you talk about it with her on your date. Having the conversation in person may be hard for one or both of you, but it’s really powerful when you add your voice to the mix so she can hear your heart.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter. 

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!

An Antidote to Social Distancing: How Dads Can Increase Relational Connection With Their Daughters During the Coronavirus Outbreak

Here we all are, together in a way like never before. And not like any of us would have ever expected or chosen this, but now we’re bonding over our shared experiences as the coronavirus has invaded our cities, our nation, and the world. 

The thing that has hit us so hard is how fast it’s happened. All without warning. I talked with a friend last night who said, “Isn’t it crazy to think that none of this was on our radar just two weeks ago?” Absolutely! 

And no matter where we’re living, the stories of impact keep pouring in. Here’s some I’ve heard in the past few days:

• My niece’s wedding this weekend just got cancelled (as did her honeymoon) because her venue closed earlier this week, so now she’s getting married in her parent’s backyard…on a Thursday. Not the dream wedding she had planned, to say the least.

• An 11-year old girl texted me to say, “My school is cancelled for the rest of the year and I’m sad because I’ll never get to graduate elementary school.” 

• Another friend is a senior in high school and now doesn’t think she will graduate with her friends while another wasn’t able to finish out her school year as an athlete because her basketball season ended right before the championship games. 

• I know a couple of women who already lost their jobs and another is wondering if her business will survive due to low financial reserves needed to keep it afloat. 

• Two dads (and a granddad) dropped everything to rescue their college daughters and bring them home after their school year came to an abrupt halt. 

As if these individual stories aren’t enough to capture the intense reality we’re all facing, I just had a profound conversation a few days ago with a friend who is in the middle of a medical crisis that’s led to serious decline in her physical functioning (most likely with a diagnosis of ALS). With raw vulnerability she opened up, “As strange as this may sound, this is the first time I haven’t felt so alone with what I’m going through. I’m increasingly aware of my own mortality and no one has been able to relate to me…until now. Everyone is finally experiencing a little bit of what I’m experiencing every single day.”

Her words hit me hard. She’s right. I rarely think about my mortality. Instead, I start my days with energy and passion, often heading out the door for a run where my lungs enjoy fresh air while I see emerging new life sprouting from the ground, smelling Spring all around me. But in an unexpected way, I now have a little window into her experience.

And I don’t know about you, but as much as I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and the good, as well as on the people I love and the things I’m passionate about (especially investing in dads of daughters), these last couple of weeks have felt different.

The atmosphere and the air feel different now. 

The roads we drive on feel different now.

The stores with bare shelves (specifically with no TP!) feel different now.

We’re all different now. 

For each of us, our new normal is set against a backdrop where, for months, the media focus has been on how divided we are as a country. Yet it seems that this crisis is bringing us together as we suffer and strategize collectively. We’re all acutely aware that if we don’t work together, we’re not going to beat this thing.

And while we’re being forced to face the uncertain, we’re living in a time where the loudest voices have the most impact. I guess it’s always been that way, but I’m especially tuned into what I’m hearing right now. And I keep wondering where the truth tellers are. I keep listening for those who will steer us to look up and believe for miracles despite our fear. 

Dad, this could be your finest hour to be a voice of strength---even the loudest voice ---in your daughter’s life, one that heralds hope and highlights God’s peace, purposes, and promises. If you don’t speak up, then every other voice will outrank yours. 

This is the time to get closer to your daughter. Even if she hasn’t expressed that she’s scared, I assure you that she has some level of anxiety about her future and what this could all mean. Truth be told, part of me is exactly at that place while part of me is grounded and okay. I imagine your daughter is there too. So I speak on behalf of your precious offspring to say that if you get close enough to hear what her heart is saying, she’ll never forget your investment in her. 

She needs you to tune into their fears by coming alongside to affirm, listen, and validate. 

She needs you to show up and dial in to where she’s at, not where you want her to be. 

She needs you to reassure her that you want to be her rock to steady her and comfort her, ultimately leading her to the Rock that is her Ultimate Support.

The good news for you as a dad is that while we’re being instructed to comply with social distancing directives and guidelines, you can actually increase social connection by pursuing closeness with your daughter because you’re family.

If you’re a dad who wants to use this time to bond more with your daughter while creating forever memories that will last long after this crisis is over, here are a few things that will not only help you survive this crisis, but thrive during it:

1. Ask your daughter what she needs from you right now.

   She may need you to listen, play a game, tell jokes, or do a project with her. She may want you to join her for a movie marathon or stay up all night and play Monopoly or Risk. Maybe she’s wanted to remodel her bedroom, but before now there didn’t seem to be time to do it. Join her in what matters to her while making her world safer and happier by asking what she needs each day from you since your presence will stabilize her more than you may realize.

2. Gather around the table as a family to talk about what each of you is thinking and feeling.

   Sadly, for many, mealtimes around the dinner table are a thing of the past. What if this season became a time where family meals were brought back into your home to increase conversation and connection. But make sure ground rules are set in place first: no criticizing or teasing. Then each one will share what they’re thinking about and feeling, followed with what they’re afraid of right now [the unknown, school or schedule changes, sickness or death, etc.]

3. Reflect on ways that you and your daughter connected when she was younger and bring one tradition back this week.

   Think of this as walking down memory lane. You can do this by talking and remembering…or you could get out photo albums to spark your recall. Then bring back one of the things that the two of you used to do when she was younger. My dad and I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons while lying on the living room floor and eating fun breakfast cereal. I would absolutely love it if my dad re-created that memory now and I guarantee your daughter will feel the same with you!

4. No matter her age, initiate or renew a practice of checking in with her before bedtime, ending the day with giving loving and affirming words.

   Studies show that the last thing we talk about, think about, and hear before we go to sleep is often correlated to our dreams and unconscious thoughts during the night. During this break from your normal routine, where you and your daughter are closer together under the same roof, use this time to connect at the end of each day while speaking words of life to calm and ground her in your love.

5. Join your daughter in the kitchen to bake or cook something for yourselves and/or the family.

   With restaurants closing, we’re all being forced to get creative at home with our food choices and meal prep. And like Plato said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” which for now means we’re going to have to figure things out in our own kitchens or we’re going to starve! So why not join your daughter and whip up a meal or a dessert for yourselves or the fam. Get ready for laughter and a great photo op during the process! Then post your pictures on social media with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie.

6. Every day this week read a Psalm out loud to your daughter. 

   I’ve discovered that sometimes dads don’t know what to do to be a spiritual leader. I’m here to say that just doing one thing will make a significant impact. So right now with everything feeling turned upside down and backwards, what better time to lead your daughter to look up to God. I’ve found particular comfort this week in Psalms 23 and 91. Even if your daughter isn’t a fan of the Bible, she might be more open to spiritual things these days if she’s needing some extra spiritual comfort and strength. 

So there you have it: A few specific ways that you can turn this crisis into the best bonding experience you’ve ever had with your daughter where she’ll glean the rewards of having you near her. 

Be her anchor in this storm so that when she looks back, she’ll remember that you were in the storm with her. This could be more powerful than anything she’ll ever remember about the crisis swirling around her.

Dad, you can be your daughter’s antidote to this current coronavirus outbreak by strategically connecting with her more than ever before. You’ve got this, Dad. On your mark, get set…connect!

Six Words That Will Make You a Better Dad

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes?  I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked it (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).  

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I had the cryptic tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.  

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?  

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion rises, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “here, you’re a girl---you go in.”  

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy?  The answer: more attachment, not less.  

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her up’s and down’s?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of overwhelming odds. 

Fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright. 

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Notice that this dad brought himself to his daughter’s problem. He was willing to invest his time and his resources to help her, all before he knew what it was she even wanted.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.” 

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her.  She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.”  

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted  without holding back? 

Do you notice how he offers himself as the solution to her request?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Who would have thought that a father from 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century could use to unlock their daughters’ hearts?  

Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” 

It’s not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.